


This means something

by The_Hawk_Eye



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Emotionally Repressed, Feelings, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Marriage Crisis, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 07:24:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20774756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: This means something.Bill doesn't want to think about anything at all. He just wants to keep kissing those fleshy lips. He wants to get lost in the sheets of that room and forget about the world.





	This means something

**Author's Note:**

> Second fic. After what happened with Bill, I just want to write about him and his feelings for his family and Holden. And I really wanted to write (or at least try to write) lemon.
> 
> English is not my first language, therefore, I apologise for the mistakes you will find.

This means something.

Bill doesn't want to think about how he had ended in that motel room. He doesn't want to think about his present, his family, his job. Bill doesn't want to think about anything at all. He just wants to keep kissing those fleshy lips. He wants to get lost in the sheets of that room and forget about the world.

Bill looks at Holden's blue eyes and avoids the question that is echoing in his mind. Bill goes for his neck and traces a path to his nipples. He tastes his skin and saviours his sweat. His hands travel around his body and enjoy his fast moans. Bill works hard on him. Bill wants him to have a good time.

Bill doesn't understand himself these days. He can't understand why it is so important that Holden has a really good time with him. Bill can't get why it is so important for him this moment with Holden. Bill wants to make him happy. Bill wants to give him everything he wants. Bill wants... he is not sure what he wants. He knows Holden is going to come back and doesn't matter what Bill does. Holden will come back for more. Bill doesn't know what he is doing anymore. He has lost control and there is nothing he can do about that. He can fuck Holden over and over, and his life will still be a disaster.

Bill penetrates Holden in silence and feels his nails digging into his skin and Bill knows they will leave a visible mark that he will cover with his shirt. However, he doesn't say anything. He doesn't complain or try to stop him. Bill moves inside of him and kisses him to swallow his moans.

He never wanted this. Bill never wanted something like this. Bill would have died before he could think about cheating on his wife. He would have killed himself before fucking with someone in a motel room. Bill would have... He is jeopardizing his job, his life for this. And the worst part is that he doesn't regret what he is doing right now. He won't regret it in the future.

Bill bites softly his lips while groaning. He can feel his hard dick against his belly in every thrust. Bill looks at his face and memorizes it. His beautiful azure eyes are unable to focus on anything right now, completely lost in the pleasure of having him inside.

What is wrong with him? Why is he so fucked up? Bill has always been proud of the way he can deal with everything, the way he always reacted with calm to things he can't control. But now, he has just lost it. Bill can look calm in the outside but right now he is desperate and spiralling out of control. Where is his self-control? Where is the old Bill? Where is the Bill who knew what he was doing? Where…?

Does he want to find him?

Does he want to be that person again?

Bill needs to stop right now. He has to stop his mind. Bill grabs Holden's dick and squeezes it. He wants to make him cum. He wants to feel his thick and warm cum around his fingers, dripping from his belly. He wants to hear his name filling the room. He wants... Holden calls him. He says his name breathlessly and Bill knows it shouldn't feel so damn good. Holden bites his shoulder when he comes and Bill fucks him harder. His thrusts are more violent and faster. He doesn't call his name. Bill never says his name. He is incapable of saying Holden's name. It is not shame what he feels or guilt. He just can't articulate any word in those moments of pleasure. His mouth can't respond, it doesn’t work properly and the only sound that escapes through his lips is guttural groans. Bill comes too inside Holden, just like he likes it. And falls next to him. His shoulder hurts but doesn't complain.

He cleans the semen with the sheets and looks at Holden who is trying to calm his breath. He licks his lips before giving Bill a long and wet kiss. Bill responds with no shame and grabs his neck to make it last. Finally, they break the contact and Bill gives him a thin smile. It feels good. He can't deny this feels good. Bill can't say this is wrong or sick. Holden smiles back and Bill takes a cigarette. He gets out the bed and sits naked next to the window. Holden likes when he does that and doesn't smoke in the bed, therefore, Bill does it every time after they fuck.

"Sorry." He says after a minute. Bill looks at him confused. "That." He points to his shoulder. "It'll leave a mark." Bill shrugs. Nobody is going to see it. "I'll be more careful."

"Don't." He breathes with the smoke passing through his lips. "I don't mind." He likes it actually but he is not going to say that. Holden nods and tries to hide his joy. The man is guessing the limits of what they do.

"I like it." He says after a long silence.

"You truly are Sherlock Holmes." Bill makes fun of him. He knows he likes it. After doing something like that, Holden appreciates that nothing has really changed between them.

"I mean... I like it more when you do it hard." His eyes shine and Bill's body trembles excited. He shouldn't be surprised for Holden's preferences but he is. He likes it too. "Do it harder next time." It is an invitation to go back to bed but Bill doesn't move. He takes another cigarette and lights it looking at Holden without blinking. Bill is older and knows better than to go back to bed yet.

"I will..." He pauses to give a puff to the cigarette. "Next time." Bill should be ashamed of himself and asking over and over what is wrong with him. He should be punishing himself for doing this. He should be thinking about Nancy and calling her but he doesn't. There will be time for that in the morning, but not now.

Holden licks his lips and sits straight. He is insatiable and Bill enjoys that about Holden and takes advantage of that. Holden doesn't have patience and Bill can play with him freely. He keeps smoking under his blue gaze. Holden goes to him and kneels in front of him. After so many interviews and papers about deviant behaviour, they should care a little bit more about what this means, if there is something wrong with them, but Holden doesn't allow those questions that he finds stupid most of the time. He is sure there is nothing wrong with what they do and Bill listens to him and swallows all his words that justify all the things that are wrong with him.

This is not what he is supposed to crave. This is not what a married man should do during a crisis. This is not what he... but he does it and Bill enjoys the sex with Holden too much. Bill lets him spread his legs so Holden can put his head between them.

"I changed the deviant terminology list." He says looking at Bill. "I didn't ask for permission."

"I know." Bill knows since the same day he did it. Somebody came to him to ask him why they decided to eliminate so many words. Bill lied back then but never talked with Holden about it. He was too tired to argue about something like that.

"I took so many words. Fellatio, amongst them."

"You're proud of that one."

"Of course, I'm proud." He replies and Bill sense his breathing against his skin, and his body reacts.

"You should have asked." Bill says after a puff.

"Would you have given me permission?"

"Of course not."

"That's why I didn't ask." Holden smiles, his hands are resting now on Bill's legs. "This is not deviant, so why would fellatio be in the deviant terminology list?"

Bill doesn't try to reply to that. He enjoys Holden's tongue touching softly his dick. He should stop him; they have to get early tomorrow and it is late already. But Bill is unable to do so when his blue eyes are fixed in his lips closing around his cock. His body tenses and Bill fights against the urge to moan. No yet, he thinks, giving another drag to the cigarette, no yet. Holden has to work for this. Holden loves when he has to work hard to hear him moan; that is his reward.

Bill always tries to avoid to think about what this means. Why is it so important to reward Holden in this way? Why does he have to play hard with him? Why is so exciting what they do? Bill escapes from reality when they are doing this kind of things, but it is more than that. It is much more than that. Bill wants this to last. Bill is not ready to accept it, but this is much more than fucking for him.

This is real.

This is terrifying because it is real for him.

Bill can't formulate any question. He can't ask for anything to Holden. This is real but the only moment Bill allows himself to accept that fact is during the night when they are in the room of a motel fucking with no lights.

Holden closes his pouty lips hard around his dick and moves faster by surprise, causing Bill to moan. All his body tenses and Bill rests one of his hand on his head and grabs his hair. This is what Holden likes. Bill gives his cigarette a final and long drag to bother him. He exhales the smoke and looks at him. He watches his head going up and down rhythmically. He is completely hard again. Bill closes his free hand in a fist and tries to breathe. This has to last. Bill lean on the back of the armchair. His lips are slightly open and short grunts are escaping, they are not strong enough for Holden to hear them. He increases the rhythm and Bill can’t control himself any more. He moans with pleasure and feels his body burning. He cums inside his mouth, Holden doesn’t move and his back spasms. However, Holden doesn’t move and licks his dick to clean his semen. After some seconds, Holden straightens and Bill can see his lips with his own semen dripping. Bill has to make an effort to move and goes closer to him. Using his thump, he tries to clean him but Holden stops him.

“I like it.” He whispers and puts his finger inside his mouth to swallow his semen. Bill is mesmerized by the younger man. He can’t take his eyes from him.

“Well done.” He says after long seconds. “Well done.” He repeats kissing him, tasting his own cum in his mouth. After that, he goes back to bed and sees Holden walking to the bathroom to brush his teeth, his thin lips forming a teasing smile. Holden could go to his bed but he doesn’t and Bill doesn’t fight against the body laying next to him in an obvious too small bed for two grown-up men. This means something that Bill can’t pronounce yet.

In the morning, he calls Nancy before going for breakfast. Her cold voice is warmer each day that passes, but she doesn’t tell him to go back home and Bill doesn’t ask either. He tries to talk with Brian who only says two or three words, but that is enough for Bill who accepts whatever his son can give him. Nancy asks him if he will go to the appointment with the psychiatrist and Bill promises her, he will be there on time. This means something that Bill can’t accept yet. He hangs up the phone seconds before Holden appears in the restaurant. They eat together and talk about the interview. None of them mentions the dark circles under their eyes and just go to the car. Holden doesn’t ask about Nance and Bill doesn’t mention her either.

This means something and Bill knows what it is. He is making an effort for Holden that is not doing for his own wife. And that means something dangerous. And even though, Bill is not ready to say it out loud, he doesn’t regret it. He lights a cigarette and starts the car.

“Try to be professional this time.” He says.

“I’m always professional.”

“You know what I mean.” Holden nods and Bill keeps driving with the cigarette between his lips. “I could keep doing this all my life.” He murmurs.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He can’t repeat the words, but Holden has heard them because his eyes are shining and now, he is incapable of hiding a smile.

The warm feeling spreading through his body means something. His old life is never coming back. His marriage is destroyed and he is not going to try to fix it. Bill is too tired and feels unhappy when he thinks about his home while, at the same time, he is so calm and relaxed right now, next to Holden. This means something and Bill knows he is not going to fight against it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all for now. I hope you enjoyed and remember comments and kudos are always welcomed!


End file.
